Coulrophobia
by Kewai
Summary: A2A - Shaz - Shaz's thoughts as she lies close to death amid the events of Episode 7.


_"AHHHHHHHH!" The tiny dark-haired little girl yelled amid the noisy riot of six year-olds and handful of adults, the 99 Flake drooping in her grasp and threatening to fall onto the sun-baked patio slab beneath. The summer air was filled with the smell of burnt sausage from the barbecue and the sound of blaring music on an almost-melting record player._

_Mr Pinky loomed over her, white make-up caked to his sweating skin, frizzy wig framing his middle-aged face - his watery, bloodshot eyes wide. "What's the matter, little girl?" He rasped, one hand clutching a half-inflated balloon...his satin-checkered shirt stuck to his flesh, reeking of cigarettes and staleness."Don'cha want yer doggy balloon?"_

_"DADDY!" Shaz screamed._

"Shaz." The deep voice said softly.

Her mind slowly focused, she was aware of him, a white shape against the dark sky that filled her with terror._ God, I don't like clowns! Why won't he go away? What kind of sick git hangs around and watches while..._

She was aware of noise...her small, slender body was tight, paralysed with fear as if she was trapped in a nightmare between sleeping and being awake. She could feel the wet blood on her hands and the tickle of her fringe clipping her forehead, but above it all the pain in her stomach was worse than anything she'd ever felt. It felt deflated like a punctured football and everything inside it was loose and wet...blood was flowing. Was she breathing? She wasn't. _I want my mum...Oh God, I want my mum..._

The corners of her vision were darkening, her dark, open eyes felt cold. She was dimly aware of someone kneeling beside her, a tangle of brown curls bowed over her...warm, slim hands pressing against her silent chest, willing her to breathe.

The glittering white figure drew closer and closer.

"Go away!" She yelped internally. "W-hy are you watching m-me?!"

"Shaz." The Clown leaned over and regarded her with detached compassion, she stared up at him in horror and part-awe. He simply watched, neither caring nor uncaring, his face reminded her of a gorgeous stone angel that sat on top of a tomb in the graveyard near her parents' house in Essex. The same neutral expression...knowing, waiting.

Slow realisation washed over her...this wasn't Mr Pinky, this wasn't someone in fancy-dress just passing. She knew _what_ he was. There was something else familiar about his striking gaze...sadly-beautiful eyes that reminded her of _someone_...she struggled weakly and failed to follow the thought, starting to babble in cold fright and icy tears. "I-I'm dying..."

A small, chilling smile crossed his calm features.

Her mind spiralled...how had it happened? She'd been chasing that bloke...then all of a sudden he rolled as she tried to grab him. She hadn't really felt it until she'd got up, she thought he'd kneed her in the stomach. She'd thought she'd just been winded, not stabbed. Then panic and cold horror set in, as the blood started to seep through her torn shirt and coated her hands.

Everything was slowing down...thoughts, noises, even fear was being replaced by calm. She was close to never seeing the future she dreamed of being a part of, never seeing Chris again...she could feel it.

_"Hello...Shaz...Sharon...I'm er...Chris...Chris Skelton, how'd you do?" He'd said nervously looking at her in awe, bobbing his head and seemingly afraid to offer her his hand in case she bit it off._

_The New Romantic policewoman who had a studied air of pretty disdain melted at the sight of a shy Northern lad and grinned back, seeing in his puppy eyes something she hadn't seen before...something sweet and unspoken._

_...she'd never hear it. Oh my Chris..Babe__...her silent heart ached_.

The soft and urgent voice cut closely into her thoughts, there was more noise behind it, like the sounds of a fight and punches being thrown in a distant room."He's just a stupid clown, come on Shaz..!"

_Someone leaning over her, it was the D.I!_

"..not for one stupid breath!"

She was there, she knew...how did she know? _I have to ask her..._the jumbled thoughts fell about in her head wildly..._Ma'am_, thumping her chest and willing her live. Her voice carried on, Shaz clung to the sound like a drowning woman...letting it give her strength and pull her up, air rushed into her lungs.

"Your guardian angel..." The Clown stilled her mind and gave her a mock pout, smiling.

He placed his thumb to his nose, waggling his fingers at her in farewell - an inhuman chuckle came from him as if he was privy to some unknown joke. She heard his strange laughter fade as her heart suddenly kicked into life with an _almighty_ thump and a breath came out of her like she'd been underwater for too long.

"And another!" The D.I yelled, exhausted as Shaz's eyes flicked into focus and she jerked, gasping painfully for more breaths of cold, night air.

* * *

"Fancy another one, Shaz?" Ray's blue eyes twinkled at her, he'd looked genuinely pleased to see her as the guys carried her into Luigi's, all chanting her name. Her stitches were still in, but she was feeling miles better. Being surrounded by her mates - especially Chris - was filling her with a giddy, quiet joy.

Alex Drake was in a strange mood, Shaz guessed something pretty bad had happened that day - the Guv was more dour and grim-faced than usual and appeared to be trying to pull himself out of it with dogged determination and cheery insults thrown at Luigi.

But the D.I had smiled gently and seemed happy to see her beyond words.

Shaz couldn't shake the feeling of change that was stirring inside her, she was determined now to make something of her life and everything had been brought into sharp focus. She wasn't going to spend the rest of her life as the glorified typist, she wanted badly to make a difference, make her mum and dad proud, make Chris proud. She resolved in her mind to stay close to Alex..Ma'am..and learn. After all, the D.I was her guardian angel.

Shaz grinned shyly and placed her glass in Ray's hand, as she did she glanced over at the mural and her smile froze as she saw the features of a clown - a new addition behind one of Luigi's patrons that hadn't been there before.

She swallowed uncomfortably for a moment and turned back to Chris who was beaming happily at her_. _Indecisive_, _she glanced over at the D.I for a second - who glanced back at her. Her _eyes,_ Shaz felt an odd twinge as she studied the older policewoman's familiar gaze. Then shook her head very slightly and just smiled.

_Just a dream, a hallucination..._her pretty face brightened again with life and love as she squeezed Chris's warm hand a little bit tighter than she'd ever done before.


End file.
